Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
