4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
