Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
