I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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