I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
