I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
