I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
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