Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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