I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
