Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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