I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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