I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk