I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
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He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
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Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."