Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.