My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
