My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
