today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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