I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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