Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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