Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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