Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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