Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
