im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You are the jesus of drinking
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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