I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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