You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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