Your favorite bartender is back from prision
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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