happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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