We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I can feel your judgement through the phone
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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