I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
