The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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