I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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