my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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