I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
