Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
