smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
