part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
