I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
