I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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