Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
