pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
