There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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