Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
