they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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