nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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