Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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