# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
