You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
