So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize