Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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