glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
