she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
