I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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