i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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