Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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