I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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