I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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