At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
