So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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