he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
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See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
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Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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